Things strangers say when you’re pregnant

I’m not pregnant now. But, I was. Twice. I gained a lot of weight (50 lbs with my daughter, 40 lbs with my son). That was fun. I was sick for 16 weeks with Kelsey and 21 weeks with Colton. I looked like a house and felt miserable.

I was hopeful strangers would spare me the obvious – and instead of make comments, just let me pass by in peace. Here are some of my favorite things strangers said to me. And yes, these were all said. Promise.

Is this your first one?

That’s not too harmful. But it was my first one. And 9 times out of 10 the question that follows is: Do you know if it’s a boy or girl? At that point the conversation ends. It’s unusual because I just told a stranger the sex of my first unborn child (see: personal) and then I just walk away, never to speak to this person again.

When are you due?

This is always weird. This happened at the deli counter while I was buying meat. I told the guy that I was due in February (it was October) to which he proceeded with:

Are you sure it’s not twins?

Translation: You really have 4 more months to go lady. Here, double up on the meat. You need it. I find this comment totally insulting and no offense guys, but I got this comment with each pregnancy and each time it was a man who asked it.

They are easier in than out.

This is true. Oh, so true. But when you’re pregnant you want nothing more than to get that baby out because you can’t eat, sleep, breath! The baby literally takes over and your left walking around like a beached whale to which strangers remind you of every chance they get. See the question above.

Who’s your doctor?

Really, lady? I got this question from a lady who was walking next to me in the parking lot of PetSmart. I was buying dog food and she kindly helped me lift the bag into my car. Then, turned to me and asked. Who’s your doctor? Excuse me? Yes, I have a great doctor in Scottsdale if you’re interested. This was the weirdest comment yet because – while nice of her to offer – I’m pretty sure by 7 months along I have picked out a Gynecologist.

How long have you been married?

Then they start doing math in their heads. I sit in silence for a second, then jump in … we got pregnant a year after we were married. Ohhh … they said. Then, they smile. As if I have their stamp of approval. I got this question twice. Both times from other women.

Were you trying?

Was I trying to ….? Oh, have a baby. Yes, yes my husband and I were trying to have a baby. This was a planned pregnancy. Thank you for asking, person I don’t know.

Are you going to have a natural birth?

It’s other moms who ask this. Other moms who want to tell you about their labor story and their plans. It wouldn’t be terrible to ask, ya know – mom to mom – only, I wish I knew the person. But stranger moms asked this and I vowed never, never, never to ask someone this. I don’t care how many minutes ago we met.

How are you feeling?

This one I liked. Finally … someone who actually cares about how I’m feeling. Cares that I have shooting pains down my leg at night. Cares that I have been on Zofran for 21 weeks so I don’t vomit at work. Cares that I can’t fit into my seat at the movie theater. I could have hugged this person.

In summary …

If you find yourself in public staring at a pregnant woman, and you just can’t resist the urge to say something all you need to do is say this one simple thing:

Congratulations.

Then, swiftly walk away and leave her and her hormones alone. xo

The Clumsy Hat: Toy Malfunction

My hair got stuck in an airplane today. Let me explain. There Kelsey and I were, at the cash register of Target. We had made it through the entire store without buying (too many) toys for her.

All of the sudden, she spots that dang end-cap where they feature all of the toys, candy and magazines that you don’t need – exactly at kid eye level. And what does Kelsey see, but a little toy airplane that she has to have.

Her face lights up and she is so excited about this toy. It has a little button on it that you press and the airplane’s propellers spin really fast. It’s only $3.99 so I say, what the heck, and put it on the conveyor belt. We check out and she is glowing. I totally made her day.

We arrive at the car and I put her in her car seat. She’s still holding and spinning her new airplane toy. She loves it. I lean over to buckle her car seat and my hair gets caught in her airplane propellers. Yep. My hair gets wrapped and wrapped and wrapped around this annoying $3.99 toy that I never wanted in the first place.

It hurts. And Kelsey is not understanding why I won’t give her the toy back. Someone walks by and does a double take at me, as if to say, “Does that lady have an airplane dangling from her hair”. So what if I do. This can’t be a parenting first.

Anyway. I jump into the driver seat and start our drive home. One hand on the wheel. One hand on this toy that has such a tight grip on my hair. I run inside and ask Ryan to get me outta this thing! “What is that thing in your hair?”, he asks. Understandable, but I’m kind of annoyed at this point. It’s an airplane!!!!

Kelsey waits in the background as Ryan passes Colton off to me and (ever so seriously) gets me out of this contraption. How much hair did I lose? Is what the vanity in me is thinking. “Your hair is all out. No damage was done.” Phew.

I hand Kelsey back her airplane toy and dodge her like a bullet every time she gets near me with this thing. Dang marketers, keep those $3.99 toys far, far, far away from us girls with long locks.

airplane toy

photoskids

The Fashion Hat: Swimsuit Shopping

I took the day off of work and went swimsuit shopping. And while I was hoping it would feel like this.

swim season

It actually felt like this.


I’m not sure how all of my friends seem to get their body’s back so fast after baby, but for me … well, I’m just really grateful that one piece retro-looking swimsuits are in this year.

The Parenting Hat: Idea for Teenagers

I think this is what parenting in the Digital Age will require. Remember when our parents threatened us with, “You can’t go anywhere unless your room is clean”. Well … times, they are a changing, and I’m afraid to say I’ll probably have notes like this around my house sooner than later.

The Wife Hat: Not Gonna Happen

I found this adorable idea online. I immediately thought to myself, this is darling. i could totally do this. in fact, i have the supplies. i’m doing it tomorrow. Then, in complete excitement, I turned to my husband and shared this lovey dovey idea.

“Look, babe! I can make this cute frame and each day we can write love notes to each other in dry erase marker. Won’t that be fun?” He glanced up from the book he was reading and looked at me with this long stare. His eyes never blinked and then suddenly he cocked his head to the right as if to say, “You’re kidding me, right?”

Without exchanging any words, I gave him a look back like, “Come on. It’s cute! Love notes. Yay.” He continued to look at me like, “Love notes? To each other? Each morning? On a girlie picture frame made from scrapaper that is probably scented?” I then squinted my nose at him, made a dramatic exit and filed this under, cute-idea-but-ain’t-never-gonna-happen-in-this-household.

I can’t wait until Kelsey is older. She’ll do this stuff with me. #MEN!

The Holiday Hat: Christmas Light Poses

This year, we decided to kick it old school and trade in the white icicle lights for colored bulbs. So, there my husband was, standing in line at Home Depot on Black Friday for $2 LED multi-colored lights (reg. $11/ box). He did a fabulous job of hanging up the lights on our two-story house and – might I add – he looked so graceful in his Christmas light poses.

The Frog pose.

The Ballerina.

The Mission Impossible.

The Warrior.

 The Bear Hug.

The Helper.

I’ll snap some photos of the finished product because he did amazing!