I get it. I get it. Beyoncé makes millions and wouldn’t waste 1 hour of her time dealing with IT support or paying her phone bill online, but I love this. I love this very much. You can pre-order this mug on this Etsy shop.
I’m not pregnant now. But, I was. Twice. I gained a lot of weight (50 lbs with my daughter, 40 lbs with my son). That was fun. I was sick for 16 weeks with Kelsey and 21 weeks with Colton. I looked like a house and felt miserable.
I was hopeful strangers would spare me the obvious – and instead of make comments, just let me pass by in peace. Here are some of my favorite things strangers said to me. And yes, these were all said. Promise.
Is this your first one?
That’s not too harmful. But it was my first one. And 9 times out of 10 the question that follows is: Do you know if it’s a boy or girl? At that point the conversation ends. It’s unusual because I just told a stranger the sex of my first unborn child (see: personal) and then I just walk away, never to speak to this person again.
When are you due?
This is always weird. This happened at the deli counter while I was buying meat. I told the guy that I was due in February (it was October) to which he proceeded with:
Are you sure it’s not twins?
Translation: You really have 4 more months to go lady. Here, double up on the meat. You need it. I find this comment totally insulting and no offense guys, but I got this comment with each pregnancy and each time it was a man who asked it.
They are easier in than out.
This is true. Oh, so true. But when you’re pregnant you want nothing more than to get that baby out because you can’t eat, sleep, breath! The baby literally takes over and your left walking around like a beached whale to which strangers remind you of every chance they get. See the question above.
Who’s your doctor?
Really, lady? I got this question from a lady who was walking next to me in the parking lot of PetSmart. I was buying dog food and she kindly helped me lift the bag into my car. Then, turned to me and asked. Who’s your doctor? Excuse me? Yes, I have a great doctor in Scottsdale if you’re interested. This was the weirdest comment yet because – while nice of her to offer – I’m pretty sure by 7 months along I have picked out a Gynecologist.
How long have you been married?
Then they start doing math in their heads. I sit in silence for a second, then jump in … we got pregnant a year after we were married. Ohhh … they said. Then, they smile. As if I have their stamp of approval. I got this question twice. Both times from other women.
Were you trying?
Was I trying to ….? Oh, have a baby. Yes, yes my husband and I were trying to have a baby. This was a planned pregnancy. Thank you for asking, person I don’t know.
Are you going to have a natural birth?
It’s other moms who ask this. Other moms who want to tell you about their labor story and their plans. It wouldn’t be terrible to ask, ya know – mom to mom – only, I wish I knew the person. But stranger moms asked this and I vowed never, never, never to ask someone this. I don’t care how many minutes ago we met.
How are you feeling?
This one I liked. Finally … someone who actually cares about how I’m feeling. Cares that I have shooting pains down my leg at night. Cares that I have been on Zofran for 21 weeks so I don’t vomit at work. Cares that I can’t fit into my seat at the movie theater. I could have hugged this person.
In summary …
If you find yourself in public staring at a pregnant woman, and you just can’t resist the urge to say something all you need to do is say this one simple thing:
Then, swiftly walk away and leave her and her hormones alone. xo
Brilliant! This is so accurate, I can’t even handle it. Watch the video and I’m sure you can relate. By the way, I literally start all of mine with, “Thank you all for your time. Today, I’m prepared to speak to you about …” I realize now how silly and unnatural this sounds.
The best is when people join late (ahem, me sometimes) and then the terrible echo, dogs barking, background noise, “Um … we’re hearing some background noise, can someone mute their line, please” – is a standard comment made on our Starwood calls.
My job as a parent is to encourage her at all times. But, it took so much effort to say, “Wow, Kelsey. That’s such a great job,” when she decided to paint her toenails. The best part was, when she was finished, she eagerly looked up at me, “Mom, want me to do yours next?” Nooooooooooooo. I mean. Not right now, kiddo.
Yesterday, Kelsey and I decorated the entire house for Halloween. We put up pumpkins, ghosts and fall candles. Then, she started to dig into our box of decorations reserved for the front yard (that’s all Ryan’s doing). Instead of helping Ryan in the front, she took out the decorations and started decorating her backyard playhouse.
Who was I to stop her? She kept singing, “I’m making a spooky house. Making a spooky house …” She was so excited and I was kind of impressed by her creativity. Well … this morning, the holiday Grinch (Ryan) came downstairs and tore down her spooky house! It’s 7am, mind you.
He says he “needs more space to seed the grass.” Rude! What a holiday buzz kill. I have a feeling that Kelsey and I will be at Michael’s today buying more decorations specific to her backyard house. And Mr. have-to-seed-the-grass-at-7am won’t be allowed to touch them.
Have you ever done a hashtag search on instagram? I about peed my pants when I searched for #momfail. It made me feel so much better to see that I’m not the only one making “mommy mistakes”.
You can search from your computer on Statigram (here), just do a search for “momfail” then click on the instagram photos and you can read what other moms have to say.
This is my most recent #momfail. I didn’t buy enough blankets for Colton. And since his sister has 1,009 articles of clothing, I find myself wrapping him in pink blankets. I should really buy more blue blankets, but I’m like, “He won’t remember, right?”
Here are some additional “Mom fail” moments caputred by other mommies.
“I obviously didn’t get the memo to make sure your kid wears white.”
“so I have the flu…. This is how I parent :(”
“That is not a matchbox car in his mouth.”
“I was cooking her oatmeal. I guess she couldn’t wait.”
“That’s not how we swing.”
“After Roland got home from preschool he was whining and complaining about something itching and bothering him in his shirt. Oops.”